I started this post back in February and I never published it. It has been sitting in my 'Blog Drafts' for over a month. A lot can happen in a month. This was a post I made when my dad was still alive. He had been on hospice since last November with heart failure. I debated on whether or not to post this out here because it's rather personal. However, perhaps it may help someone who may end up going through the same situation. ~Annie
This crazy life...sometimes it has me 'UP' and sometimes it has me really down. The past three months have been a roller coaster. On a personal level, a family member has been really sick. It's been life changing for everyone close to me and has me questioning my strength daily. Although I know it is a moment in time that will eventually pass, it has been a challenge. God has been there through it all and there are days that I know it is only because of Him that I am able to get up and keep moving forward.
The few things that bring me joy in this challenging time has been my faith, my family and creating. When I'm in my little studio and I'm dyeing yarn, or painting watercolors, knitting socks or weaving, I'm able to escape just for a little while and meditate. Finishing a project gives me a second chance, a refresher to come back and keep moving. I have found that the changes that have occurred over the past two years of my life have been very difficult to overcome. I have to admit that I am not a person who handles big changes very well. I need an adjustment period to cope. And the bigger the life change, the bigger the adjustment period.
That's part of why I created Little Dixie Fiber. It's my creative outlet, and reason to keep focused on staying in the habit of learning new skills, using my hands to make things. If I get buried in this thing called life, and I find my center shifting, I have an excuse to stop, breathe and make something because of my little shop on the web. There is something very satisfying with sharing the things I make by hand with people who may not know me personally, but appreciate the work that is involved which each item. Whether it is a skein of yarn, a hand sewn project bag, a felted soap, a painting or photograph, each one of those items has my mark on it, my thoughts and emotions are tied to each piece. Whatever is heavy or light on my mind while I've been creating is what I poured into that object and it's design. Hopefully, that makes me a better artist and crafter.
My daddy is sick. When I was growing up, he was a skilled craftsman in whatever he put his mind into. Photography, woodworking, taxidermy, he created beautiful things. He has always been a lifelong learner, pushing my brothers and sisters to discover new things that make us tick. Right now he is struggling for his life on a daily basis. I hurt for him when I see him in pain, and some days there is no hope left in his eyes. That is the hardest part. Not knowing if he will be able to do the things he could do before. At first, he and we didn't want him to go, but as time has progressed and his body has begun to shut down, I think he is realizing that it will soon be time for him to go be with our mom in heaven. It's becoming increasingly difficult to watch his body start to fail him.
My family and I believe in our Father in heaven and His Son. We believe that there is a paradise awaiting our dad somewhere far beyond this place where his soul will be set free. Free of pain and the worries of this world. So why do we have this grief in our lives? Why does it feel like I carry around this great heaviness in my heart? I believe that this heartache is not for our dad once he transitions, for he will be forever changed and finally at peace and filled with joy. I think the grief is for those of us left behind here. For us, time is real and we have to continue on without our parents. Grief is something that my family has been in since we lost our mom just over a year ago. We have never fully gotten out of the grieving process before we found ourselves thrust into it again. We are doing our best to cherish the moments with our dad while we still have him here, to take care of him and support him. The past year has been challenging to say the least. But the silver lining is that when you believe in God through your worst times, He will bring something good out of it.
I know that I have the utmost respect now for my 6 siblings, and we have all grown closer than ever through this. My parents have been instrumental in doing that, bringing us all back together.
I know that my faith has grown exponentially through all of this. God has performed miracles for my family in these past few months to allow us this extra time with our daddy.
Im sure that He will reveal more to us as time goes on.
That's all I have for now.
I have always admired my dad's hands since I was a little girl. My sister took this photo for me. I will always cherish it.